Today is one of those days whereby I look back at all the fights and disputes and unhappiness we've had and think that I'm blessed to be able to have them; and to have them with you. While during every fight, I just want them all to end and "let's not talk", the emotions in me do get to me after they all settle down and they would bring me to a place whereby I would feel thankful that they happened. Especially when you kept going on relentlessly and pushed me to produce a form of "urghh I hate you so much now" feeling.. I know it's just you trying.
I hate to fight, and I hate talking when there's a dispute. I've been in places and am still in a place whereby not talking actually helps more than dishing everything out. I don't know if it's really helping or healthy but I know that when I'm caught in an angry situation, I can say the nastiest things and hurt you like you don't matter; which is why I tend to shut down during fights. It's not that I'm not trying or am not willing to back down. In fact, me keeping quiet is backing down. Taking a step back always helps me to calm down.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: We all want everything to be okay. We don't even wish so much for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough.
I miss you. and I love you. I love that you are the one who's stands up for me and tries your best to protect me in ways you think is best in your abilities. I don't wish that you feel the same for me. I only wish that there's something you love about me that no one else can provide. You and I both work in different ways and no one's perfect but I'd like to think that while we're wired so differently, we are actually just perfect for each other even when we have different taste and want different styles for our home to come. Even when we don't agree to each other, we'll find comfort and be okay with a third option. And I choose to think that that's how we love each other.
xx
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