∞

I lost my Husband. I guess it's so hard to let him go not just purely because I love him and us. It's commitment given to him and the marriage we fought for with people that don't agree with us when I decided to be with him. It's heart wrenching to know that the time spent together is so shortlived and that I'm not worth it for him to try again for the sake of everything good we've built. It's not easy to recover from this because it's not just another relationship that didn't work out as planned. But it's a marriage and future that didn't and one of us have already moved on completely, leaving the other to "figure it out" and accept it on her own.

Crippled, and definitely not treating myself well more than my body and mind deserve. Don't even remember when was the last day I've actually eaten and fill my tummy's void. Even when I know it'll break my heart to hear the most unwanted words coming out from his mouth, I can't go. Maybe I'll find someone whom I can show my love to again, and have him do the same to me but I believe that no matter how much happiness that can bring, it will be inadequate because how do you forget the kind of happiness you could (still) have if we're still together?

I don't know how to move on, I don't know how to treat myself right when someone who used to love  you so much and see that you're his happiness decides to leave you behind halfway through the adventure. When he cannot even try to love you anymore. "Love when the other is the least deserving" and now I'm there, yearning for words of affirmation and comfort and assurance that even for worse, he'll still be there like I would be for him.

I love him. I love him so much.

xx